


Without Stumbling as We Walk into Our Future's Wake

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: On and On [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Drama, F/M, Future Fic, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 23:52:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9572426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: There was silence on the line and that silence was awkward.  Even when they first started talking on the phone, pushing each other’s buttons with flirtatious conversation all those years ago, there was never awkward silence.





	

**Author's Note:**

> If this fic goes over well and continues to inspire, this could be a new series. Since the present is so shitty, I would love to focus on the future this amazing couple could have. No promises, but I was quite pleased that they chose to tell me this story.

“Noah?” Liv pushed the shirts aside and looked under the racks. He was still small enough to hide there. “Noah, where are you? Noah? This isn't funny, if you're hiding from mommy just come out. Noah?”

She started moving frantically around the store trying to remember the last time she glanced at him. It couldn’t have been more than 5 minutes ago. Usually they held hands in stores, her son was easily distracted. But Liv needed both hands to grab the clothes and put them in the cart. She told Noah not to move, apparently he had other ideas. 

Toys; toys and noise were the two things Noah gravitated toward the most. The toy department was on the other side of the store, Liv headed there without a second thought about her cart. She tried to shut the bad images in her mind out. Noah was fine, he had just wandered off. He wasn’t duct taped in the back of a van with blacked out windows. She was overreacting.

“Noah!” Liv shouted, getting the attention of other children who were not her son. There were three aisles of toys and he was in none of them. She double checked, looking for his patchwork hoodie but not seeing it anywhere. Electronics, another favorite of his, was downstairs and Liv doubted he would've gotten on the escalator on his own. 

She rushed through children’s books, kitchenware, home and health; her son was nowhere to be found. Finally she just stopped in the middle of the floor and tried to catch her breath. People were chattering and walking all around her. No one cared about the frantic mother who was so afraid her only child was gone forever.

Customer service! Yes, that’s where lost kids went, or responsible people when they found lost kids. Liv would go to customer service and have her son paged. Maybe she would just report him missing and have security shut down the whole damn store. 

That’s what she would do…no one was leaving here until they were frisked and her son was found. She got turned around a bit in her journey, having no idea how she ended up back amongst the sheets and towels, but she finally made her way to the giant kiosk in the middle of the huge store. Liv gasped when she saw them, had spotted them before they spotted her. Then she rushed over to her son.

“Noah, oh my god.” She hugged him so tightly. “Don’t you ever walk away from me like that again. I was scared to death, thought I was going to have to call the FBI.”

“Hi mommy.”

“Hi mommy? That’s all you have to say to me?”

“I found Captain Ed.” Noah held up their hands, joined together.

Liv didn’t want to look at him. She actually felt slightly nauseous and like she was going to faint. She had no idea which emotions were overwhelming her at the moment. It was best to hold back the tears so she didn’t scare Noah but she had truly thought he might be gone. Then there was the rapid heartbeat, which was caused by running all over Target and suddenly seeing the man she never stopped loving. 

How many times over the years had Liv sworn she'd seen him somewhere? The back of his head, his profile, that black peacoat and skully hat he wore when it was cold. But it never turned out to be Ed, at least when Liv could catch up with the phantom of what she thought she saw. Eight million people in Manhattan and it seemed easier than ever to run into someone you didn’t want to see at any given time. 

But three years had gone by and Liv hadn’t once seen Ed Tucker. For a while she thought he might have left town. He retired from the NYPD and had moved on with his life. She stayed…stayed where she always was and didn’t move a goddamn muscle. Just like right now, her feet were stuck to the floor.

“Hi.” Liv spoke so quietly she wasn’t sure that the words came out of her mouth. She couldn’t look in his eyes but managed to focus on his forehead. It was still difficult to breathe, though for entirely different reasons.

“Hello, Olivia. I was bringing Noah to customer service so we could have you paged. I figured you were frantic.”

“Just a little.” She held her thumb and forefinger close together before focusing again on her son. “I told you to hold onto the cart, Noah. We’re supposed to be able to trust each other in the store.”

“But mommy, I saw Captain Ed and wanted to say hi. I wanted to see if he remembered me.”

“Of course I remember you.” Ed smiled as he crouched down to Noah’s level. “It’s funny that you remember me.”

“You taught me how to play Fish and sword fight like Luke Skywalker. You had a big brown dog who slept in my bed. We used to make cupcakes and waffles together.”

“Wow, well your memory is better than mine bud.”

“I miss you Captain Ed, you should come home with us again.”

“Noah…” Liv took her son’s other hand, the memory of her and Ed walking down so Manhattan streets doing just that almost knocking her over. “I'm sure that Captain Ed is really busy and he can't just drop everything to come home with us.”

“He can, mommy. He loves us.” Noah looked at him. “Don’t you, Captain Ed? I remember.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Ed…”

“We made a promise to each other a long time ago, Lieutenant, only the truth. Especially with Noah.”

“Yeah, I know.” She nodded. “This is awkward.”

“I don’t feel awkward.” He said. “I'm sorry that you do.”

“So it’s ‘it’s not you it’s me’ all over again?”

“I didn’t say that.” he stood up from his knee. “How about this, if it’s OK with you I can spend a little time with Noah this weekend.”

“Ooh, mommy, yes!” Noah exclaimed.

“It’s been three years.” Liv said.

“Three years too long. It’s not as if I had any rights, Olivia. We ended our relationship; I couldn’t demand time with your son. But I miss him and I want to spend some time with him. And I can still be a father figure if he needs one.”

“He’s not three anymore, Ed; he hears what we’re saying. Can we just talk over here for a minute?”

“Sure.”

They both looked at Noah, told him not to move in unison. Ed let out a bit of laughter but Liv wasn’t so easily amused. A few feet away from her son but with him still in clear view, she stood with her ex-boyfriend. Yes, it had been Liv who ended the relationship three years ago. It was going in a direction she wasn’t ready for. 

Ed needed too much and Noah needed her more. Ed was ready for the family and the picket fence and Olivia was just getting used to actually maybe kind of loving someone. It took a little over six weeks to regret deeply that she had ended it. Maybe if she just would've talked to Ed, explained what she was really feeling. 

He begged her, with and without words, to do that but she didn’t. And she never called him back either. She just let three years go by, let life move on. Ed Tucker went on her long list of regrets but for reasons that no one could ever really know.

“You can say no, I get it, and I need to apologize for just blurting that out in front of Noah.” Ed said. “It was irresponsible. But I do miss him and it would make me happy to spend the day with him. I can take him to the dinosaur museum and then we can have lunch. No pressure, Olivia, I don’t want to pressure you.”

“Stop calling me that.” she spoke quietly but firmly.

“What, Olivia? Your name is Olivia. Shall I call you Lieutenant Benson?”

“Liv is fine.” 

“I would prefer Olivia, alright? Anyway, take some time to think about it…it’s only Tuesday. Whatever decision you make I’ll respect it like I always have. I gotta get going.”

“Yeah.” She nodded and watched him walk away. The ache in her chest was palpable; this time she had to stop him. “Ed?”

“Yeah?” he turned back to look at her.

“You can pick him up Sunday at one.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I'm sure.”

“Noah, how does the Dinosaur Museum on Sunday sound?” Ed asked him. 

“Awesome!” Noah replied.

“Mom says I can pick you up at one.”

“Really, really mom?”

“Really, really.” Liv nodded.

“I gotta get going Noah but I will definitely see you Sunday. C'mon, give me a hug.”

Noah ran into Ed’s arms and it seemed as if neither of them wanted to let go. Liv didn’t know what to say, she didn’t want to ruin their moment. It had been so hard when they broke up. Noah really liked Ed. But he had trouble with his speech and it wasn’t easy to articulate how he felt when that presence was no longer there. When Noah got a better grasp on words, too much time had passed. 

He rarely brought it up to his mother. For that Liv had been mostly grateful but in watching this scene she felt immense guilt. He was the closest thing that Noah ever had to a father, and jumped into that role with both feet without a second thought. How could she not think that separating them would be difficult on them both? Did she take advantage of her son’s inability to chastise her for the decision she made? Liv didn’t know, and thinking about it now made her head hurt.

“I’ll see you later, Olivia.” Ed said as he put Noah down.

“Should we exchange numbers or something, in case I need to speak with you before Sunday?”

“My number is still the same. Or you could always put the bat signal in the sky, I'm sure I’ll see it.”

“Cute.” She almost managed a smile.

“That’s what they tell me sometimes. See ya.”

“Bye.”

She watched him walk all the way to the exit and then out of the sliding glass doors. He wasn’t carrying anything, what had he come to Target for in the first place? Not that it was any of her business. Seeing him walk away, again, brought up a lot of the same feelings it had the first time. Liv sucked it up because she had more things to do this evening. Letting go of a long sigh like many mothers before her, she took Noah’s hand. She was on a journey to find her cart, there was a lot in it and she didn’t want to have to start shopping all over again.

“Noah, I'd like to finish our shopping trip before tomorrow morning.” She said.

“Me too, Mommy.”

“In order to do that you're going to have stay by the cart. I need you to do that, alright?”

“Yes.” He nodded.

“Promise me.”

“I promise.” Noah crossed his heart. “But I wanted to say hi to Captain Ed.”

“I know. It was good to see him, huh?”

“Yes. I hope he's going to be our friend again. That would be great, huh Mommy?”

Liv just nodded, a small smile on her face. She had no idea what she was feeling. Finishing shopping and getting home was what mattered to her most at the moment. It had been a long day, she needed to get it over with. She needed to get Noah home and feed him…he had school in the morning. She had work as well and hoped for at least an hour to relax with some wine, aromatherapy candles, and a tub full of hot water. After everything that had just happened, Liv was going to have to stretch that to at least 90 minutes.

***

Bedtime was almost always a battle. Noah was never tired or he wanted to negotiate for a later time. Liv didn’t know she was mother to a diplomat. But he rarely gave up without a conversation. Thursday evening was different. At 8:15 he was in bed and ready to go. Liv was so shocked she checked his temperature and asked if his stomach was alright. Noah laughed some, he was fine but tired. School was busy and then he had his two hour afterschool program; he was just ready to call it a night. His mother was fine with that. 

After he was down, Liv poured a liberal glass of red wine and went into her bedroom. She dimmed her lights, put on some soft classical violins, and lit her aromatherapy candles. In 20 minutes she knew she could be nice and relaxed. It had been a long day, working and then doing the full time mom thing. She loved being a mom; it was Liv’s favorite thing in the world. But doing it all on her own wasn’t easy by any stretch. 

At least three times a week, Liv was doing her meditation. It really had been life changing. She was able to center herself, breathe, focus, and shake off hard days. After meditation there was usually a long bath or maybe watching Netflix with wine. Liv still loved her wine. She, mostly, no longer used it as a crutch.

On this rainy Thursday, after her meditation, Liv decided on Carly Simon on vinyl. She put on _Coming Around Again_ and made sure the volume wouldn’t disturb her sleeping son in the next room. She was pacing the room, letting the river run, and holding onto her cell phone. Calling him wasn’t a good idea even though she already had the perfect excuse why. It would be fine, Liv could handle this. She would make the phone call and get it over with.

“Hello.”

“Hi, this is Liv.”

“Hi.”

“I just, um, wanted to discuss what you and Noah were going to do on Sunday. I promise I'm not being an overbearing mother, and I totally trust you with him, I just…”

“Want to track our every move.” Ed finished her sentence and laughed a bit.

“Stop.”

“It’s alright, Olivia. I'll pick him up at one and we’ll do lunch first. Then I’ll take him to the dinosaur museum and maybe the Planetarium, I remember how much he loved it when he was a toddler. After that, I’ll bring him home. I figure I can have him back by 5:30, six o’clock. I'm really looking forward to this…we’re going to be able to do this, right?”

“Yes, yes, I'm not calling to cancel. Noah is so excited; he talks about it every day.”

“Well that’s my plan.” Ed said.

“Just don’t take him to McDonald’s, Ed. I let him have it sometimes but I'd prefer if he didn’t.”

“That’s not a problem. How is he doing?”

“Noah?” Liv asked.

“Yes. He had the speech delay and there was some concern that he could face some learning challenges.”

“He's in special classes right now. He can learn and does learn but he definitely needs more attention. He can read, write, talks up a storm Ed, and he is the most amazing artist. He's barely seven but he is so talented. I want to foster that talent.”

“I'm sure you do. Should I take him to The Met?”

“No, he's still just a little boy. He's going to love digging for dinosaur bones and looking at ancient eggs. I'm sure you two will have a great time.”

“Thank you for letting me take him.” Ed said.

“Of course.”

There was silence on the line and that silence was awkward. Even when they first started talking on the phone, pushing each other’s buttons with flirtatious conversation all those years ago, there was never awkward silence.

“I can't tell you how many times I thought I've seen Noah over these past couple of years. I'd see kids playing in the park or running around the market…a part of me was afraid I would forget what he looked like and I didn’t want to do that.”

“He knew you immediately?” Liv asked.

“He hollered my name. I recognized his voice; it was stronger than I remember but it was Noah. I miss him very much.”

“I miss you too.”

“I'm sorry, what did you just say?”

“I said he misses you too. We don’t talk about it a lot. I think his difficulty in expressing himself at the time made it something that I could avoid talking about. And as time went on, and Noah got better at chattering away, I think he sensed my wanting to do just that. Well for the past two days, he's made up for lost time.”

“I bet he has. I have to go so um, I’ll see you on Sunday at one.”

“Oh, yes, Sunday…of course. I didn’t mean to keep you on the phone for so long.”

“It’s alright. Goodnight, Olivia.”

“Please stop…”

She didn’t even get the rest of her sentence out when she heard the soft click on the line. Ed had hung up on her. Wow, did that hurt like hell. Liv felt the pain in the pit of her stomach and then it pushed up into her chest. She knew what was coming next and no matter how much she hated it, she didn’t fight it. The tears overwhelmed her and Liv covered her mouth so no one would hear her sobbing. Who was going to hear her anyway but she still covered her mouth. And as Carly Simon sang _The Stuff that Dreams are Made Of_ , Olivia Benson curled up in her bed and cried.

***

Sunday afternoon was as awkward as Olivia thought it was going to be. But Noah didn’t have time for her to be awkward and upset that Ed wasn’t awkward…he was ready to go. So after Liv tried, and failed, to give Ed money for their excursion the two of them were off. She had a half hour or so to relax before getting dressed to meet Melinda for lunch and then a showing of Sabrina at their favorite little theatre in the Village that showed classic films all day Sunday. 

She was rushing back to Tribeca in the late afternoon, wanting to make sure that she was home when Noah arrived. Ed said he would have him back between 5:30 and 6 so when Liv got home at 5:15 she was glad to find she was still alone. It gave her time to breathe and put on some dinner. A half hour later, as Tears for Fears played on the radio her apartment door buzzed.

“Hello.” She said over the intercom.

“I have your child.” Ed said in a stern voice.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yes. I was just goofing around, Olivia. Let us up.”

“Of course.”

She buzzed them into the building and then opened the door to her apartment. Noah came bounding up the stairs talking, Ed trailing behind him wearing a smile.

“I don’t have to ask if you had a good time.” Liv smiled too and she hugged her son.

“Oh my god, mommy, it was so fun. We saw all these dinosaur bones and listened to different roars. Some of them even had fur, they had real fur cuz I touched it and it felt like that stuff on your hood. I got to see different claws and teeth and stuff…it was so fun.”

“Sounds like it.”

“Then we went to see all the stars and planets.” Noah went on as he pulled off his backpack and hoodie. “They had all this cool stuff about Pluto even though supposably it’s not a real planet anymore. And they showed us where Vulcan and Klingon are located in the universe. I saw Klingon, mommy. Well not real Klingon because they don’t discover it until the 23rd century, which is like a bajillion years from now, but where they think it is. It was awesome, wasn’t it Captain Ed?”

“I have to say seeing where Vulcan probably is was pretty awesome.”

“And look what Captain Ed bought me.” Noah pulled a book from his backpack. “It’s the kid, OK, I don’t know this word but it’s a big book of dinosaurs.”

“It’s an encyclopedia.” Liv said.

“Yeah, Captain Ed said I can learn everything about dinosaurs from it.”

“I thought that it could help with both his reading and his drawing.” Ed said. “He showed me some of his work at lunch; you're right, he is really good.”

“Ed, I know how expensive those gift shops are and…”

“Stop, seriously.” He said. “Money isn't a problem for me and I wanted to do it for Noah. You don’t need to pay me back.”

“Well, if you're sure.”

“I am.”

“Mommy, what's for dinner?” Noah’s question interrupted the awkward silence. “It smells good.”

“I heated up the turkey Salisbury steak. You should wash up, it’s getting late and you need to have some food.”

“OK. Captain Ed, don’t leave, I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll be here, bud.”

They both watched Noah run off to the bathroom.

“Do you mind if I wash my hands?” he asked Liv. “New York City is dirty as hell. Hand sanitizer only takes you so far.”

“No problem. Do you want to stay and have some dinner?”

“No thanks, it’s been a long day. I had a blast but am definitely looking forward to putting my feet up. Noah’s right though, it smells good.”

“I don’t think it’s fair that you get him hyper and leave me to clean up all he leaves in his wake.” Liv grinned some but it faded when she looked at Ed’s serious face. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“How am I looking at you?”

“Like you used to before you interrogated me.” She replied.

“Not my intent.” He shook his head.

“I'm sure Noah would love for you to stay. I would like it too.”

“Are you sure there's enough?” Ed hated giving in but Olivia Benson had been a weakness for a long time.

“Yes. I also made some brown rice and gravy with Brussel sprouts. I can't stand them but for some reason Noah loves them. I sauté them like I saw once on the Cooking Channel.”

“I don’t do Brussel sprouts, Benson. Everything else sounds fine.”

“Captain Ed, are you staying for dinner?” Noah was rushing back into the living room as if he didn’t want to miss a thing that happened. “You don’t have to leave yet, do you?”

“I'm going to stay, mom was nice enough to ask. Why don’t we set the table for her?”

“OK.”

Ed gave Liv something resembling a smile as he and Noah went into the cabinets for plates and cups. Three years and she hadn’t moved a thing. The more things changed, the more Olivia Benson stayed the same. That was a lot of the problem. It wasn’t Ed’s problem anymore.

***

“You're not leaving, are you?”

“I have to go back to my house, Noah, we talked about it. I have to walk my dog and feed my plant. Don’t worry, I’ll be back.”

“But when?”

“I’ll see you next weekend and we can do whatever you want.” Ed replied.

“Do you promise?”

“Cross my heart.” Ed did it to prove he was serious. The frantic tone of Noah’s voice broke his heart. This was his fault, he should've stepped back into the picture years ago. How was he supposed to know that the Noah would miss him as much as Ed missed him? How was he to know that no one else would come along eager to make this terrific little boy a top priority in his life? “It’s time for sweet dreams.” he pulled the blanket up over Noah’s chest.

“I love you, Captain Ed.”

“I love you too.” Ed kissed his forehead. “Go to sleep.”

“Goodnight.”

Ed sat by his bed for a few minutes and then quietly left the room. Liv was in the kitchen cleaning up the dinner dishes. James Taylor was on the radio, the quiet, comfortable domesticity of the scene made him slightly nauseous.

“I have to go.” He said more to himself than to anyone else in the room.

“We kept you all day and I'm so sorry.” Liv came into the living room, wiping her damp hands on her Levi’s. “Noah is really attached and it’s hard to tell him no sometimes.”

“It is.” Ed nodded. “I appreciate so much that you let me see him today.”

“I know how much it meant to both of you.”

“I'm sure that I've said this to you a million times, and I still mean it, I never want to overstep but I want to be a part of his life, Olivia. I feel his loss deeply and it hurts more than I even know how to express. I want to make up for lost time if I can. I want to be there for future things.”

“You want to share Noah?” Liv asked. She didn’t mean to smirk, it wasn’t something to be snotty about. Ed had been a fantastic father figure to Noah when they were a couple. He raised three kids of his own, she knew he was no amateur. Her son had never attached to another man as he had Ed, though she dated a couple over the years. The Uncle squad was still important but it wasn’t the same.

“I think the correct term is co-parent. Look, I won't say this isn't a little ridiculous. We run into each other in a random Manhattan Target three years after we end our relationship and spontaneously decide to raise your child together. This has senseless rom-com written all over it. Maybe it would star Jason Bateman or the guy who played Ant Man.”

“Paul Rudd.”

“Yes, him.” Ed nodded. “It’s a little unconventional but I want to help. I know how busy work keeps you and…”

“Not so much anymore.”

“So you're finally taking a step back and not working in the field as much?”

“What?”

“What, what?”

“You don’t know what happened?”

The way she said it made Ed pause. It was almost 8:30 and he really needed to go home. He didn’t want to be having this conversation while also knowing it was essential for all he was asking. There was just a way he wish he could escape or avoid it without being a jerk.

“It’s been an incredibly long day so feel free to tell me the 15 minutes or less version. I haven’t seen you in three years, Olivia, I'm sure there's a lot I don’t know…and vice-versa. We don’t have to cover it all tonight.”

“I retired from the NYPD.” She said.

“When?” he asked, trying to conceal his surprise. That damn job was one of the biggest obstacles when they were together and she just walked away from it. She walked away from him because she couldn’t do love, motherhood, and that goddamn job. What was her excuse for finally leaving it?

“I think it’s been a year now.”

“What happened?”

“You really don’t know.”

“Olivia,” Ed put his hands in front of his face like a steeple and let out a long sigh. “When you decided to end our relationship, it was in my best interest to move on. I didn’t keep tabs or accidentally bring you up when I saw other cops I was friendly with. I needed to walk away because I was very hurt. So no, I don’t know anything about your life these past three years. Just tell me what happened.”

“I was shot in the line of duty and the injuries were extensive.”

“Are you alright?” his voice softened. He took a step back, an effort not to reach out and touch her. It was silly to think she hadn’t noticed but Ed couldn’t be worried about that at the moment.

“Most of the time.” She replied. “I didn’t properly check my twenty and I was shot three times.”

“Jesus, Olivia.”

“It was a bit of an OK Corral situation that we walked into that day.”

“I need a smoke.” Ed mumbled.

“Wanna do like we used to in the old days?” Liv asked.

“No.” he shook his head. “Yes.”

“Which one is it?” she smiled some.

“Both, actually. But if we’re going to talk about you being shot three times I need a smoke.”

“C'mon.”

Liv tentatively reached for his hand, exhaling when Ed’s hand wrapped around hers. They walked together into her bedroom. Though Ed hadn’t been in there in many years, it all felt the same. It smelled the same and gave his belly the same combination of warmth and butterflies. Liv pulled up the blinds and opened the bedroom window. She dragged the overstuffed chair from the corner and sat down in it, her legs dangling over the side. 

Ed took a cigarette from the pack in his jeans pocket before sitting down in front of her. This is what they used to do in the old days. If nights were too cold or too rainy, Liv would push her bedroom door up and let Ed have his end of the night cigarette. He didn’t mind going outside, it was important to him not to exacerbate any of Noah’s respiratory issues. But this was something she did for him. She was doing it again tonight.

“What happened?” he asked after taking a deep inhale of the Marlboro Mild.

“We were working a pimp case that we’d just found out was a pimp case. We thought it was a domestic violence and date rape case sadly involving a high school couple. Subsequent investigation blew the lid off teens pimping teens. In a raid with Vice on an illegal teen gambling and drinking spot that was like something out of a 70s film, we were ambushed. I was shot 3 times; once in the side, in the arm, and in the clavicle. 

“It was a tough recovery, my liver was lacerated and it was touch and go in surgery. I spent almost three weeks in the hospital and then recovered at home for three months. Well actually, Noah and I lived with Melinda so I wouldn’t overdo it when I was supposed to be recovering. It hurt to walk, laugh, pee, bend, lift…everything was a struggle. When it came time to return to work I got a directive from 1PP, either sit behind a desk for the rest of my career or retire. 

“In SVU there is no such thing as sitting behind a desk, Ed, the squad is notoriously understaffed and everyone has to do their share of field work. I was actually going to take the desk option when Dobbs pulled the rug from under me and installed a new captain in the squad. He took my job from me….probably had been looking for reason since Mike was murdered. That’s when I knew it was better to just go. I had my twenty years and my pension was mine for the taking. Anyway, I had sacrificed enough. I needed to walk away and focus on something else.”

“Just like that?” Ed snapped his finger.

“Oh how I wish.” Her laugh was self-deprecating. “I spent the first two months in a pretty deep depression. There was so much for me to work through, and under the layers of things I had been trying so hard not to address there was even more that I just refused to. But I knew if I was going to be a mother to my son, the shield of sacrifice I'd been using this go round, I had to do it. I left Dr. Lindstrom, got a new therapist, and for almost six months I saw her three days a week. 

“I went to the deepest part of the ocean, did a cannonball in, and wasn’t sure I was going to make it back to the surface. Some days I didn’t. I was on anti-depressants, ant-anxiety meds, and sleeping pills. I started reading about and practicing meditation and taking long evening walks while Lucy stayed with Noah. Slowly, some days were truly a crawl, I became a person again. I still see my therapist once a week…I probably will for a long while.”

“That had to be a tough time for you and Noah.”

“It was.” Liv said. “It still is sometimes.”

“I just want to help.” He glanced back at her before taking a deep inhale of his cigarette. Ed didn’t look back long, he need to move forward.

“A while ago I would've said that I don’t deserve your help, or some other martyr-like thing. Now I'm saying I want it and appreciate it. Noah loves you Ed, and I made decisions, for better or worse, that separated you two. The universe saw fit to bring you two back together and I'm not going to stand in the way. This will be good for all of us I think.”

“I can see him on the weekends, come here or have him over at my apartment. When the weather breaks we can go out too. Maybe once a week I can come over for dinner, watch TV, or help him with his reading or homework. I won't cramp your style or be a hindrance to you seeing other people, Olivia.” Ed stubbed out his cigarette, knowing he would need another one as soon as he could get out of there.

“I'm not seeing anyone.” Liv shook her head as he stood from the chair. She fought the urge to reach out and stroke his back. “My top priority is taking care of Noah and I; dating isn't important to me. I didn’t mean that deep down when I used to say it. I really mean it now. I have to make everything about me and Noah; out health and happiness.”

“Are you working?” Ed asked. He turned to look at her, so comfortable draped over the chair. How many times had they made love in it? God, if the furniture in this room could talk. Ed would run out, ears covered, screaming.

“I'm the associate director for the Survivor’s Network. I work with survivors of sexual abuse, assault, and domestic violence. I give talks on college campuses and to high school students. I help draft legislation and am a general thorn in the side of state and local politicians. I've even lunched with the Vice President of the United States.”

“Which one?”

“The one we all liked.” Liv sat up. “All these years I thought it was about putting the bad guys behind bars…I thought that would quiet my demons. They were my demons and it wasn’t helping me at all. It’s the victims, the survivors, who bring a sense of purpose to my life. 

“I encouraged and helped so many people move on with their lives while I stood in the same place with the same issues. Then suddenly I was falling backwards. I'm as much of a survivor as the people I help, as a cop and now, but I was doing the bare minimum just to keep functioning. Life really knocked me on my ass.”

“I'm glad you got back up. This world will always be a better place with you in it.”

“Actually I'm sitting.” Liv held out her hands. Ed took them and pulled her up. He didn’t do what had always come next, kiss her breathless. It might be silly but she half expected him to. What right did she have to have expectations of Ed after all this time? 

She was lucky he was speaking to her at all. The rest would come in time, or it would never come at all. Whatever happened, Liv had owned her part in it and though the pain was sometimes palpable she owned that too. “I've kept you too long and I'm sure you're got other things going on. I'm sorry.”

“I think we should stop apologizing to each other. Let's make a deal.”

“I already know I'll fail to keep it. I've been apologizing to everyone for so many things. But I'm going to try.”

“Can I see Noah next Saturday?” Ed asked, grabbing his jacket from the coat rack in the foyer.

“Yes. Just call me this week and let me know what the plan is. We should probably just work on a schedule that’s good for the both of us. Are you working right now?”

“I am, but it’s mostly part-time. I retired for a reason…no one is allowed all of my time except family. Though my stitch and bitch group at the Morningside Heights community center does come second. They are a demanding bunch.”

“I just bet they are.” Liv smiled. “One of my new rules is home no later than 6:30, no exceptions. I'd actually forgotten how to breathe; I had to retrain myself. How crazy is that?”

“If there's anyone who needed to scale back on work, it was you.” Ed said.

“Ahh, so we've finally reached the pot calling the kettle black portion of our evening.”

“On that note, I'm going to leave while you still like me.”

“Hurry up.” Liv laughed some.

As Ed walked to the door and wrapped his hand around the knob, Liv called out his name.

“Would it be inappropriate to ask for a hug?” 

“A little.”

“How about a handshake?”

“Alright.” Ed reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. “Goodnight, Liv.”

“Goodnight; I’ll see you next week. Be safe getting home.”

“I will.”

Once outside Liv’s building, Ed started breathing again. It wasn’t easy; he put his hand on his chest and willed himself to get it together. It was over. After three years, he'd made it through seeing Liv twice in one week. More importantly he was able to reestablish his connection with Noah. 

Liv wasn’t going to stand in the way of them building a relationship. They called it co-parenting. Ed would have his son but not the woman he still loved. That was probably for the best, no matter how much he ached for her. 

He would breathe, smoke another cigarette, and put one foot in front of the other. Olivia and Noah were parts of a past chapter that Ed promised himself never to reread. There were no guarantees but maybe the next one would be more adventurous. Or perhaps it would be boring. If there was one thing that the saga of Benson and Tucker needed it was the relative calm of a few boring chapters.

***


End file.
